Aviation Guide


Takeoff’s are optional. Landings are mandatory.

If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger, if you pull the stick back they get smaller. (Unless you keep pulling the stick back — then they get bigger again)

Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.

It’s better to be down here wishing you were up there, than up there wishing you were down here.

The propeller is just a big fan in the front of the plane to keep the pilot cool. Want proof? Make it stop; then watch the pilot break out into a sweat.

Speed is life, altitude is life insurance. No one has ever collided with the sky.

It’s best to keep the pointed end going forward as much as possible.

The only time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.

Every one already knows the definition of a ‘good’ landing is one from which you can walk away. But very few know the definition of a ‘great’ landing. It’s one after which you can use the airplane another time.

The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.

Always remember you fly an airplane with your head, not your hands. Never let an airplane take you somewhere your brain didn’t get to five minutes earlier.

You know you’ve landed with the wheels up when it takes full power to taxi.

Those who hoot with the owls by night should not fly with the eagles by day.

A helicopter is a collection of rotating parts going round and round and reciprocating parts going up and down – all of them trying to become random in motion. Helicopters can’t really fly – they’re just so ugly that the earth immediately repels them.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You won’t live long enough to make all of them yourself.

Trust your captain …. but keep your seat belt securely fastened.

Good judgment comes from experience and experience comes from bad judgment.

Aviation is not so much a profession as it is a disease.

There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

The only thing worse than a captain who never flew as copilot is a copilot who once was a captain.

Be nice to your first officer, he may be your captain at your next airline.

It’s easy to make a small fortune in aviation. You start with a large fortune.

A fool and his money are soon flying more airplane than he can handle.

Remember, you’re always a student in an airplane.

Keep looking around; there’s always something you’ve missed.

Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs.

You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.

There are old pilots, and there are bold pilots, but there are no old, bold, pilots!

Gravity never loses — the best you can hope for is a draw!

You start out flying with a bag of luck and a bag of experience, the trick is to get your bag of experience full before your bag of luck is empty.

A flat excuse

Two college seniors had a week of exams coming up. They decided to party instead. Their biggest exam was on Wednesday and they showed up telling the professor that their car had broken down the night before due to a very flat tire and they needed a bit more time to study. The professor told … Continue reading

Dos borrachos que no ten�an

Dos borrachos que no ten�an un duro y estaban locos por tomarse un trago conversan: “Oye Pepe, tengo unas ganas de tomarme un trago!!!” “Yo tambi�n, Manolo, pero no tenemos un duro.” “Bueno Pepe, yo tengo una idea. F�jate bien, compramos una salchicha grande y nos vamos a un bar. Empezamos a tomar y cuando … Continue reading

Why do women have…

Why do women have 2 legs? Have you seen the mess snails make?

dead end date bob

there once was man who was very bored. he watched tv played a game and listended to music but he was still bored. so the man (bob)dicided to join a dating service so he wouldnt always be so bored. on his first date bob meets a young blonde girl in her mid 20s. bob is … Continue reading

Untitled joke

How many fishermen does it take to change a light bulb? Five, and you should’ve seen the light bulb! It must have been thiiiiis big.

Irish dui

Late one Friday in Dublin, a policeman spotted a man driving very erratically. He pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening. ”Aye, so I have. ‘Ties Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there … Continue reading

Heartburn

A very inebriated lady walked into a bar shortly before closing time, sat at the bar and ordered, “Barbender, barbender, I would like a Martoutsy.” The bartender brought her a Martini, which she drinks in one gulp.”Barbender, I would like another Martoutsy”, again the bartender brought her a Martini. By this time the lady is … Continue reading

Un tipo anda de visita

Un tipo anda de visita en China, pero no tiene lugar donde quedarse. Tras mucho buscar encuentra alojamiento en el d�cimo piso de un edificio. El anciano due�o le advierte: “Tengo que decile que yo tenel helmosa hija que dolmil junto a su cualto, se�ol, pelo si algo llegal a pasale a ella, ust�d lecibil� … Continue reading

The Amazing Crescan

The Amazing Crescan is going to be putting out an album this Christmas. It’s called, “Your Dreaming of a White Christmas.”

2 Parents

Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water. The son comes running up to his mom and says…”Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!” The mom says…”the … Continue reading

Jewish tires (mildly derogatory)

Q: Did you hear about the new brand of tires – Firestein? A: They not only stop on a dime, they pick it up.

Un tipo es detenido por

Un tipo es detenido por un oficial de caminos cuando conduc�a hacia su casa en compa��a de su esposa. “�Cu�l es el problema oficial?” “Manejaba a 120 en una zona de 80″. “No se�or, iba a 85″. “No es cierto Luis, ibas a 110″, dice la esposa. El tipo le echa una mirada de advertencia … Continue reading

Una noche, una chica ten�a

Una noche, una chica ten�a invitaci�n para asistir a una fiesta. Le pide permiso a su padre, qui�n est� sentado en el sof�: “Pap�, pap�, hoy tengo una fiesta �me dejas ir?”. “�No!” “Pero pap�, es la fiesta de mi mejor amiga”. “�No!” “Papi, por favor”. “Est� bien, pero primero, ch�pame la pinga”. “�Pero pap�, … Continue reading

God is Love

Q: Some people say God is Love. A: That is not a question. Please restate your query in the form of a question. Abort, Retry, Fail?

Make up your mind.

This woman goes into a dentist’s office, after he is through examining her he says: “I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill a tooth.” The woman then says: “Ooooohhhh, the pain is so awful I’d rather have a baby!” To which the dentist replies, “Make up your … Continue reading

Thanksgiving Dinner

There’s a little boy. He goes up into his brothers room and his brother is listenin to a CD and the CD says I’m gonna cut off your boobs and your balls. And the little boy asked what are boobs and balls? And the brother says it means hats and coats. Then the boy goes … Continue reading

Buried in the right suit

A woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband’s funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.He asks, “Wouldn’t it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he’s wearing?”But she insists that it must be a blue … Continue reading

Assholes

When there is a hole in the street its called a pot hole. I dont see any pot growing in it. Why not just call it an asshole its on the asfalt.

Minister gives sermon

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in … Continue reading

Sprinkler

Q.What Do You Call 3 Hispanics, a Chinese man and 4 Black people lined up? A. A Sprinkler: Spick, Spick, Spick, CHINK! NiggaNiggaNiggaNigga (You gotta say this fast and emphasize the capitalized word)

Yo mama so poor…

Yo mama so poor she put a paper over a TV screen to order a movie on “paper-view”.

Light bulb

Q: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. They use them as controls in double blind trials.

Est�n en una instrucci�n militar

Est�n en una instrucci�n militar y el instructor dice: “Por mi forma de hablar, mi f�sico y el tambaleo de mi mano tendreis que decirme mi edad.” Todos los asistentes se quedaron desconcertados menos uno que dijo: “44.” “�C�mo lo ha sabido?” “Por su esbelta forma de escribir, por su deplorable f�sico, y sobre todo … Continue reading

Blind Lumber Man

A blind man went to a lumber yard for a job. The boss didn’t want to just tell him no, so he told him that if he could pass a test, he’d hire him. He had one of his employees take him out back to identify some lumber. He brought the man to a pile … Continue reading

Memory test

Three old men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor asks the first old man, “What is three times three?” “It’s 274″, the first man replies. The doctor worriedly says to the second man, “Your turn. What is three times three?” “Tuesday”, replies the second man. The doctor sadly says to the … Continue reading

The Mule

Farmer Jake had a nagging wife who made his life miserable. The only real peace that he got was when he was out in the field plowing. One day when he was out in the field, Jake’s wife brought his lunch to him. Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a … Continue reading

Practising Law

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be … Continue reading

On Marriage

Marriage Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that. At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, “Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?” The other replied, … Continue reading

The morning after

A young couple were married and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long. Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower. He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom. When she gets … Continue reading

Your mammas cruise ride

your mammas so fat whenever she goes on a cruise they use her as an anker

Dogs

What do you get when you mate a Bulldog and a Shuh-tzu? Bullshit

Knock KnockWho’s there?Darius!Darius who?Darius a

Knock KnockWho’s there?Darius!Darius who?Darius a lot I have to tell you!